Ah, I interrupted this habit before it could actually catch. I stopped writing. I never wrote well. I much prefer verbal dialogue. I've been having that. But it's fleeting. I still long to capture something a little more tangible for me to roll around and play with for a bit after the company's gone.
I've been in Vancouver, visiting good friends. Visiting friends with whom conversation is ongoing, even when it stopped for large portions of time (like one year, since my last visit to Vancouver).
A friend with whom I've never sat down and talked in darkness, in stillness; we've always been overlapping in the fast-paced circles and rhythms of a different city. But those spaces of overlap have been significant, for both of us I think, and I'm glad we get to keep doing that -- despite the geographic relocation (for both of us).
A friend who questions, compulsively, in big, deep ways; it's tiring for him, I know he winds himself so tight, and relaxing is just not an option. I am happy to be a loving, soft sponge. I am quite genuinely content to let him spill into me like that. I know he's been holding on for so long. And frankly, I've worked hard to be a loving, soft sponge, and I am not ashamed. And he helps me work through so much deep stuff of my own. He is a man I trust. He is so honest and forthcoming, even and especially about the ways that he's fucked up, the ways that he's been fundamentally shaped by patriarchy, to ways in which he knows he can play it to his advantage. I find it comforting that he speaks so frankly, and that he seems willing to act like a type of masculine proxy for all my deep, underlying issues with dudes. It's really fucking helpful, especially at a time last week when I was spiraling out in anxiety and trauma-response, due to all of the public discourse around rape culture, consent, and gender violence.
A friend who...gosh, it feels too intimate to say what I actually think I feel. I mean, they are my friend, I respect and trust them so much. I find them to be so wise, so compassionate, such a beautiful human. Like, totally fucking gorgeous, it strikes my heart and surprises me each time that I feel this so strongly. Like, my heart flutters when our legs touch under the table. Another friend who I haven't spent as much time with as I would ideally like to, but I appreciate that it feels like we have a deep friendship despite that fact. I have loved getting to share the things that we have. I just wish there were space where I could let it be known that, without any particular expectation, I would like to hold their heart even more, and cradle it with such tenderness, if they wanted to reveal it a little more.
After that visit, I was sick sick sick. Exhausted. Now, visitors here is Victoria, and I feel rejuvenated once again. More favourite people who I love very deeply. I'm so lucky!
And new connections. Amazing connections. One in particular where we somehow keep finding ourselves in the same place. Not simply physically; that's pretty easy in a town of this size. But when they talk, they are somehow narrating my inner thoughts -- it keeps happening! And, of course, they have their own whole vast world way beyond me. But we have uncannily similar experiences. And we meet each other so easily, I know we just have so much to share. I am looking forward to more and more and more.
People of planet earth, I love you.
